Music is a Feeling...Not Just a Sound

So yeah it has been a minute since the last post...my bad...but then again it is not like anyone really reads this anymore...or do they? Anyways since the last time we talked I have had a girlfriend now for about a year and 4 months...yeah I know what you are saying...it has been a long, long time...yeah and now I am in college at Cal Poly Pomona...so far I love it and I am having a blast everyday...now that you got a lil' update let's get to the real topic of this post...Since last talking to all of you I have gotten the ability to use music to express my feelings...no I do not play any instruments unless you count making rap and r&b beats on a keyboard...but I do appreciate others music regardless of genre and I use their words to express mine...Just tonight I went to a concert that happened to be on the campus of CPP, (Cal Poly Pomona for those that don't get it) and it was legit...To hear the words of artist live gave me the chance to not only hear their voices, but feel the impact of them performing it...It was more than words, bottom line...I have found out that music is to some like basketball or drawing is to me...a way to express feeling, thoughts and anything that person wants...To be able to express all that in an art form makes a person feel invincible...Music is not just a sound for people to dance to...it is someone's feelings in a different form...next time you listen to music, disregard the beat or the chorus or the rhythm...just listen to the lyrics and what that person is trying to tell the audience...This view has shaped me yet again into another form of myself...I am completely different from the last John in this blog...I am opened and have found new ways to express my feeling and thoughts...keep all this in mind and live with an open mind and acceptance to others' views---peace---

She Has No Clue...I Don't Know Why

Alright...so almost evertime I go to arizona I see this girl...a little younger then me but to me age does not matter in my case if I like her as much as I do...not sure she feels the same but I just want her to know how I really feel...it is like I have butterflys evertime I know she is coming over and I will see her...I love how she listens to everything i have to say and mostly agrees with me...I love how I can feel nervous but I can still talk to her about pretty much anything...I want her to feel the same about me...I want her to feel the same way but I know I cannot control people...the one thing I like the most when I am around her...the fact that she is nice, funny, easy to talk to, beautiful no matter what time of day or what she is feeling...I love the silly faces she makes at me...they make me feel really good inside...I want to be with her and be that special person, but I don't think it will happen because I dont know if she likes me or feels the same...I want her to...she really has no clue how I feel beacause what she already knows about how I feel is only a little amount of how i really feel...I cannot even say or show how much I care and want to be in her life....hopefully she can see that nd find out, but until then I can only be her friend---peace---

Fixing Everything

Hey...umm so I have really messed up everything that was actually going well in my life...I know I brought it upon myself and I have realized that what I have done has really affected people who were close to me...for that I am truly, honestly sorry and I really don't really know how to be any more sorry...I'm on the verge of fixing things and hopefully everything can be cool between me and everybody when we come back to school...im sorry to Breanne for telling somebody that I think she liked him...Im sorry to Flick for not trusting him and keeping things I should discuss with a close friend away from him...I am sorry to everyone for acting like I want attention and moping and causing a negative mood when you guys are all trying to have a fun time...I have really messed up and I apologize and I promise to be more open...I just want things to go back to how they were...I know it might not be the same and I know it will have been my fault and I am sorry for that...Thanks for actually taking the time to listen this time ...because recently nobody does listen---peace---

Things Don't Always go According to Plans

Hey...well I have had a lot on my mind and I thought to myself that I should use the blog that I have to write them down even though nobody reads...ohh well...I now use this blog to just write down all my feelings and right now I have a lot...well first...I am going to be a senior...WOW...it feels so wierd...and with becoming a senior I have to be more responsible...and since I am staying at the same school with the same 30+ students along with a couple new faces, I fell short of what I wanted to accomplish among the other students (my friends) and myself...as they have all created themselves and to me, have created little cliques, I feel that I am still confused on what my role to them is...this bonfire that I went to yesterday showed me a lot about the people in our class...I saw that we had funny guys, (Max and Flck) Guys who have gone through some stuff earlier in their life, (David and Dustin) and I found myself alone and not knowing what I was...I mean sure, I might be over-exaggerating but I really do feel left out on a lot of things and when I do actually try, it hurts even worse because I realize that I cannot fit in at this school the way I thought I would...I thought it was a family, but right now I feel like the son out of the 5 kids that the parents do not seem to know exists...Also at the bonfire I thoguht to myself about the girl I like...she thought that I got angry everytime another guy talked to her and everything which I think would be completely rude and unfair if I did...I told her that I wa just jealous...I mean what guy can't be jealous...I don't think my dream girl would even have a chance of being as great as her...she is beautiful, smart, has a future, and funny...everything that I love...and I want Flick to know that I only get jealous because you seem to hang around her a lot and talk to her and from my point of view it seems to be flirting, but I don't know if it is and I apologize...btu I feel that I am not getting a chance to even let her get to know who I really am and what I am about...but she seem to let others do the one thing I want her to let me do...well yeah so if for some rwason somebody does actually read this, comment and let me know what I should do or if there is anything I am doing wrong---peace---

One Year Down...and One More to Go....UGHHH

Hey...this is again the first post in a while...I would of wrote more everyday if I could, but with finals and the preparations for the end of the year, I have had almost no time to do anything...so since the last post some things have happened...for example...Los Cuatros is now Los Cincos...we added a member...haha...anyways...THE END OF THE YEAR IS 3 DAYS AWAY...wow...I am going to be a senior...haha...this coming week is going to be intensely busy...Monday I have a Literature Final, Tuesday I have a History Final 2.0, and Wednesday the class has decided that we should go to the beach to play some beach volleyball before we have to work for 3-4 hours at the senior's graduation...we all signed up for jobs and hopefully the place I am at will be close to the food because I can feel my hungerness already...haha...anyways...Thursday Theresa wants people to come to her house for a END-OF-The-YEAR Party/barbecue...sounds like fun...then Saturday a bunch of us from GMCHS are planning on going to a Padre Game...really fun I hope...yep...so then it is Summer Break and I don't have anything but work, taking classes, and hopefully getting a car after I get my license...yay me...haha...so yea...that is a little of what is going on in my life right now...man...one year down and one more to go...UGHHH...I don't know if it is a good thing or if the next year will be great and awesome...hoping for the best next year and I hope I don't have problems and I want next year to be really fun...I will try not to get on everybody's nerves like I did this year...and I will not act like an asshole like I also did this year---peace---

Catch Up on Life

Hey...sorry it has been a while...even though less and less people are reading this anyway...okay so a lot has happened since my last post...let me catch you up...okay well first I have been hanging out with my friends a lot more and it is fun and everything, but I get the feeling that I am not really accepted by people...I feel that on the outside people don't really know who I am...this makes them treat me differently because they think I am someone that I am not...anyways...besides that, me and my three friends Flick, Max, and Brian Moore have realized that we are great movie makers...haha...and also I just had my birthday which was really fun...thanks for those of you that came to hang with me on that saturday before...but the main subject that I wanted to talk about was how I think social status is starting to make it's way through Middle College...in our class, hanging out and being more social is starting to be a major factor in how our class is set up now...if it be parties, just hanging out, or being just hanging out after school...it also seems like if you drive then you are in a set group/clique with the others...I want the people to know that I am trying to get my license, I can't until August 14th...and I want them to know that I am sorry for getting rides from them because I cannot get one or drive yet...it must get really annoying and because I can see it in some people, I can see that I am not really accepted among them...I also wanted to let the girl that I like (not like middle school "I like you") to know that I may not be the smartest, strongest, tallest, or "perfect" guy...but I have feelings for you and getting to know the real me should be more important then the material "necesities" that you look for---peace---

My Adventure with Los Cuatros

Wow...this weekend was pretty awesome...first I went to Max's house on Friday...we decided to for some reason walk to Al Azteca's (Mexican shop)...that was stupid...until we found out that we are awesome movie makers...and I am a decent actor...yea right...anyways...on Saturday I went to the mall with Kellie, Breanne, Breanne's sister, Brian Moore, and Flick, it was fun except for the fact that the girls tried to get all the guys to put on women clothes...ohh well...then we went to Harry Griffith Park where we (me, Flick, Max, B. Moore) made more movies...that was cool...we decided that we were now a group, called Los Cuatros...haha...we then cruised Grossmont High School for some reason...and then we went to the Varsity Field...played some football where I played against a dude that was three times my size...it was pretty scaring considering we were playing tackle at first...anyways...then I went home that night after having dinner with everybody...Sunday was Mother's Day of course...so my step dad decided to take my mom out and I cleaned the entire house, watched all the little kids, made my mom a present,(you don't want to know what it was because it was horrible, and she doesn't like it when I buy stuff for her, so I made something instead)...that was pretty much my weekend and this coming weekend is my birthday party...it is gonna be fun...so that was my adventure this weekend...ohh and I forgot that Flick threw up into a cone after having Al Aztecas...it was cool because a piece of tomato came out of his nose...haha...and I will end on that note---peace---

Life Nowadays pt.2

WOW...I haven't wwrote a post in a while...sorry even though I can see by the missingness of comments that nobody is reading my posts...thanks...anyways...so life has been cool...I mean this weekend I had prom on Saturday which was awesome...I got to dance with some white girls...haha...it's all good...then on Sunday at 6:30 in the moring I had to get to the airport and leave on my school trip to San Francisco which was awesome by the way...I think I will tell you a little about what took place there...well on Sunday when we first got to our hotel we picked rooms...in my room was me, Moore, The Russian, and Flick...we had the coolest room there and I got my whole room which was awesome...so then we decided to go to the beach and swim(not so good of an idea)...the water was freezing, but at the same time it was cool because we didin't care and we had fun...we went back to the hotel and chilled...then out to dinner with a 10:00 curfue which was lame...ohh and I almost forgot...we visited Montaray Bay Aquarium which was really cool...Monday morning we visited UC Berkeley which is a cool campus...I had a black guy trying to sell me an "album" of his...haha...anyways...then we went to San Francisco State which with our luck had a black out right as we entered...we got to see how many people were really there though which was a lot...then we went out at the Fisherman's wharf which was really cool...went shopping with Kellie and Breanne...also...I saw the manliest, tallest woman that I have ever seen before in Gerdelli's Chocolate Factory...it was pretty scary...then we went to the hotel and chilled for a bit...later went to play some beach vollyball which I found out that I own in by the way...after curfue I found out that me and Brian Moore are ninjas and cannot be found...we snuck out because the girls and some guys wanted food and it was too late for a lot of people to go...so we went and walked about half the road and pier to find something, but the city was dead and nothing was open...it was fun though...anyways the next day we went to UC Santa Cruz which was my favorite college on the trip...it was by the beach and close enough to the city to drive easily there...There we had the most awesomest(I know not a word, so what) tour guide by the name of Phil...anyways we had lunch and I got to talk to him a little more and learn some things that go on at the campus that he could not talk about on the tour...it was pretty sweet...then we went to San Jose State which was my second favorite...it was cool..I liked the basketball stadium and the campus all around is way chill...then we went shopping which was really cool...we bought these 25 cents bouncy balls and played with them for literally 30 minutes...and then it was off to the airport to wait for our departure...it was cool...the flight attendant guy on the plane ride back was freakin awesome....he sang and gave out free stuff for our class...it was cool...ohh and I totally forgot...the girls pranked us really good...I took it a little too serious...yes, I'm admitting it...but it was a good one...sorry to all the people that I acted like an asshole towards...sorry...I totally ruined the trip...anywasy that is what happened and now I am really confused because on the trip I had some time to think a lot(by the ocean and the sound of the ocean help me think)...anyways...I like this one girl and she doesn't even know I exist really because she likes a senior at our school...on the bus rides and stuff we talked about relationships and the difference between guys and girls...I found out what she looks for in a guy...there is some differences in me and that guy of her dreams, but I want to be that guy...I am not saying that I will chang for a person I just want her to see that I could be that person and care for her...so far no luck...but we will see i guess---peace---

In The End

Well since the last post I have realized a few things that are going on in my life...I take the time to think these things over...anyways...one is that I have recently realized the whole appreciate what you already have in life...I am thankful to God for letting me have a family that cares for me and is there for me everyday, such as my little brother shown in the picture...number two...I have realized that I need to make the best of things in my life...I need to have a positive outlook and everything will go by for the better...the last thing I was thinking of was that life is too short...we have this life span to make the best of it...since I have thought of this I have been trying to have fun and make the best of my free time to make my life full and not dull...haha I just rhymed...anyways so yea that is what has been on my mind lately and it has made me have a change in thought about life...so in the end...it is all worth following these things...well prom is tomorrow and it is going to be awesome, and then the morning after I am going to go to my class trip to San Francisco...it is going to be sweet...so posts coming soon---peace---

Life Nowadays

So...this is probably the first post that I have not had a real topic for...so instead I will tell you about the things in my life right now...okay, so Star testing just finished and it was pretty cool...I liked it more than school work...umm...getting ready for prom(s)...that's pretty cool too...also getting ready for the college trip to San Francisco like I said in the last post...umm...school has been okay I guess...nothing exciting...been watching the playoffs and everything is looking good except for the fact that Miami lost...ohh well...anyways...I've been going through this self-situation with myself that I can't get out of my mind...(ask to talk about it because I am not going to explain it all on this post)...so yeah...that is all for now...I will probably have something on my mind for tomorrow's post---peace---

WOW!!!....Weekends!!!

Well this weekend was tooo crazy to write about on sunday so I decided to wait until today to write it...well on Friday I went over to David's house and had our "traditional" Movie Night...it was pretty cool...I played some Guitar Hero and got to hang with the few real friends I have...anyways...on Saturday I went to Denny's with Kellie,Flick,Max,Caity,David,Theresa and Theo...it was awesome...I got to drink another wierd drink that started as water and ended as hot sauce, syrup, salt, pepper, cream, sugar, and sweet n' low flavored water...pretty wierd I know...but it beat snorting it up my nose like last time...haha...anyways...Sunday was pretty much just a chill day for me...I got up early and went running like I do on Sunday mornings...of course after church...and then I went home and relaxed for once in my life...well...this coming weekend is really busy...I plan on going to a prom or two, but I am not sure if I am going to my school's prom or another one...then I have to wake up the day after prom to go to the San Francisco trip, which I don't know if it is going to live up to what I expected earlier in the year...all my friends that do not rag/make fun of me are not going...I don't think I am going to have anybody to laugh and talk to about real stuff like I do with my group...ohh well..I guess we will see what happens---peace---

K.O.'ed by Reality

Hey...well after yesterday's event, I took a lot of time to think...I do that often, I just take time away from other things to just sit/lay down and think about what is going on in my life...anyways, it took all day after school into my night for "Reality" to hit me...and when it did it hurt big time...in the beginning of the year this group of "friends" that I have been hanging out with and been getting to know and becoming closer to then almost any other friends that I have had(except Cameron and Cory---best friends since elementary school)...well like I was saying at the beginning of the year at this school we were told by the teachers that everybody at this school is like a family and because we are going to be together for 2 years we might tend to fight and arguing...well when they saidd that we said that that could not happen to us...we would not allow it...we understood eachother and got along very well until just recently...we are arguing and acting like we are in regular, more dramatic hgih school...this is not cool at all because slowly I feel that I am losing some of my best friends at this school...I wish I could fix everything...trust me I tried but it has only seemed to make things worst...so now I am just going to let things play out for themselves...hopefully it works...I pray that things will turn right and we can be the same group of friends from the beginning of the year...after thinking last night I came up with some questions that made me realize that we are not different from the other students who might end up fight ing because we go to this school for 2 years...why are we growing farther apart?...what is going to happen to us after this semester?...when will we solve all this and realize that we are stupid for this one misunderstanding?...all these questions made me realize that we have actually done the opposite of where we wanted to be at the beginning of the year...we wanted to be close friends and prove to others that we are like a family and we were not going to let 2 years scare us from still being close friends...it is like thhe quote by Benjamin Franklin--"Fish and guests stink in 3 days."...we actually talked about this quote in our school...but now it is actually coming into play...we wanted to prove this quote wrong and show others by example...it has not turned out so well...Hopefully they can see past this and still come out as the same friends...I just want to help and try to make things better...I hope they can see the pain they have created and understand.---peace---

Wrong Decision???

Today I guess I made "the wrong decision" when it came to my friend in class today...I found out that she was doing something that is really bad...I wanted to help her and tried to get her to make the wrong decision, but she didnt listen...I learned that she was having some problems with her family and her boyfriend too...after class she was angry and didnt say a word to me...next thing I knew, others were angry with me because of the incident with her...this whole thing has divided a really close group of friends that I thought would be cool for a long time...I dont understand...I was making a right decision for her, but it didnt work...I know, I know..."You have to let them make thier own decisions"...everybody tells me...I talked to her boyfriend and he feels the same way...I really want her to listen to what I have to say because if this incident hurts our friendship it, I will lose one of my first friends at this school...I dont want that to happen at all...I hope that she can realize that I didnt want to hurt her and I was only trying to look after her as a friend who cared because if I was in her situation, I would want somebody there for me like I am for her...perfect fit for today>>"If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!"--Ecclesiastes 4:10 (NIV)...no more said...that explains it all---peace---

An All-Time Low

Man...well the past posts have been real downers I know...well this is too...so far I am a loner in school...I feel out of place all the time...and testing!!!!...so far I have had nobody to talk to about this because all the people don't really care (I guess)...My life is at an all time low rghit about now...I feel almost emo...jeez I have never felt like this before...I also like a girl who could care less if I existed...LIFE IS JUST GREAT...sorry if I am being too wierd or pathetic for some people but this is pretty much the only way to let my feelings out because nobody wants to help...now I even feel like quiting this school that I go to and going back to a regular school...if it wasn't such a great oppurtunity I would probably leave after this year...the people from class probably wouldn't even notice I was gone...look...I really tried to change at this school...I wanted tjhis school to be my new beginning but it isn't working out too well...other schools I wouldn't act like myself, here I thought I could do that but I can't I guess...thx for taking the time to listen. ---peace---

Wow...I Thought I Knew

Today I feel like talking about a little situation that took place today...well in class the teacher was joking with a kid and came out with a short joke...suddenly everybody turned to John as if every short joke has to mean it is against John...from a previous blog entry I told you guys that I now knew who my friends were...well now I don't...nobody takes me serious...they think I can take it...well I can, but not forever...after school only a few people saw me and helped me(my real friends I suppose)...They cared enough to help me through my hard times...Seeing what I saw and heard today in class made me realize that at a regular high school I would not have this problem because I could go with alot of different people if other were messing with me...at this school, (of about 30 students) I feel that I cannot roam around and find new people if the others are not cool with me...And I have noticed that in his school little cliques have developed...And I feel left out...it is not that I want to be popular or anything...I just want to be accepted among everybody and have them be true friends, but I guess that I cannot have any besides the very few...you guys know who you are...And I wanted to let those people know that I am very grateful...thanks...And thanks for reading about my troubles even though you may not care---peace---

Wonder Twins!!!

Wonder Twins unite!!!...haha...that would be Flick and I...yesterday I left after school to go on a little trip with Flick and his parental units...pretty awesome trip might I add...we went to Cal-Poly San Luis Obispo for a annual festival that was being held...you know but all that excitement has to be balanced by something and in our case it was sitting through about 13 hours of driving there and back...man I dont know how the Wonder Twins pulled it off...anyways at this festival I witnessed something that changed my whole perspective about what college I want to attend...there is this event that undergraduate architects/engineers do that is used to build a "bridge from technology to nature."...In groups of about four people camp for three days and build their camp/tent thing out of their own utilities...it was pretty awesome...if you wanna see any of the other pics...just let me know and i will see what i can do...and if you wanna know more about the Wonder Twins just ask.---peace---

Morning Thoughts

Well when I woke up today...I dont know...I just somehow realized that I now know who my true friends are...they are the ones who dont care what I look like, what role I play in the "social ladder" as some say...they are the ones who like me for me and not all those materialistic features...I wish people didnt act like that sometimes because it really is not cool...You know, sometimes they want to act like they are my best friends and stuff when they think that everybody wants to be my best friend...they only do this to seem cooler then other people...I just wanted all those "friends" that I do have, to know that you should be my friends because you like me and want to be my friends no matter how popular, how "cool" I am...I think it is cool to be yourself and have friends based on that...other than waking up with that thought on my mind...today is gonna be a good day followed by a good weekend...today I get to play basketball...then this weekend I get to go to San Luis Obispo for this annual festival thing on the cal poly campus...So after I score about 40 points on these people...haha...just playin...Ill talk to everybody later...for those who read...thx for being my friends because this is what I am like and you guys like me for me...not like a lot of my "friends" if I can call them that.----peace----

Basketball (My Life)

Well since this is my first post, I thought I would start with the thing I love, BASKETBALL. So, Yesterday I went Ballin' with Flick and Max. It was pretty awesome, you know, playin against some white kids, just playin. After long game of 21 that we didnt even finish, some little kid (11 years old) wanted to play 2 on 2. So we played and then switched teams because I was beating them soo bad...so once we switched teams, Flick went up for a rebound and almost broke his ankle....haha, that was funny. So then we walked to 711 because we wanted some of the awesome Steven Colbert's ice cream.
Alright, so enough with that story. Now about me. Now my name is John aka Lil' John aka Tony(just ask)....I love basketball, drawing,reading, and yes math(dont know why). Since you want to know a little about me you might want to know my favorite quote. It is not by a famous person or philosopher but it has the same effect on me. "I rather be proud of what I am, rather then desperately trying to be something I'm really not, just to fit in"---Immortal Technique(rap artist). My life goes by this quote because no matter who I am around I am myself and nothing feels better then being myself. I do not change in front of people. Okay so...thx for taking the time to get to know a little about me...more posts coming soon and if you know me then you know how to reach me...if not then use my email.---Peace---